morning

beautiful.  

a deep breath fills my soul. 

i look up and close my eyes. 

the sun warms.

it's a new day and i am thankful. 

art vs. porn

art shows a human and celebrates his/her beauty.  it gives glory to the form and raises the human to a level approaching divine. 

porn takes the beauty and uses it for its own purposes.  it steals the humanity away from the person so nothing but object is left. 

fixation

the fixation isn't necessarily a problem. 

the why behind the fixation is probably more important. 

i think it's simply the need to feel important, which probably gets back to feeling loved...the need to be loved, that is. 

i can't be loved being someone i'm not, but that doesn't give me the right to be whatever i want to be at any given time. 

i used to think that the phrase, "i am who i am" was license to be whatever. 

now, it's a more complicated truth. 

"i am who i am", assumes you've figured out who "i am" is. 

and figuring that out can be complicated. 

it can also change. 

maybe that's not correct...the basics don't change, just the details. 

an honest assessment of yourself should be the start. 

why do i want people to like me?  why do i want to be noticed by people from my past?  i can't say that the goals are altruistic.  they're bourne out of personal insecurity.  the need to be loved is not wrong but using people to feel you're loved is. 

i left the church for many reasons, but forced community was nearing the top of the list.  unfortunately, in leaving the "forced" part of the community, i also left some of the natural or true community.  crappy of me, no?

so now i sit outside with a much smaller community.  i should be open to new community that comes into my life.  i should put myself out there to people who are naturally around me.  i, however, prefer to pick based on who will make me feel better about myself. 

here, i am not being true to self.  i am not being who i am.  i am a person who does not want false, superficial or forced relationships.  but when it comes to meeting new people, or running into old aquaintenacnes, i find myself wanting to pursue friendships with those who will make me feel better about myself.  you can't get more false or superficial than that!

lesson learned.  hopefully to now be applied. 

going back

we can't go back and, really, what's the use in looking back and thinking about what if. 

i am where i am because of the decisions i've made and that's good. 

i had the opportunity to celebrate a 30 year anniversary with a hs coach of mine. 

probably the man whom i looked up to most growing up, it was great to spend time with him and reminisce. 

for the next day or so i played back so much history and hypothesized so many what if's...

i'm here and i need to be content, not because of obligation, but because i made choices to be here and they were good choices...as i age, i see that contentment is not something that comes naturally, at least not to me.  i have to work at it, remind myself of it and revel in it. 

i'm glad to be able to look back...

i'm glad to be able to look forward...

but i'm most thankful for what is...

Right Now

15 year old friend of my daughter committed suicide this past week. 

the reality of NOW being the only thing we're guaranteed is nothing new...

it is, however, much more concrete today than is was last week. 

celebrate the good


                                                                        in the midst of the bad


SCREAM THE GOOD


                                                                        louder than the bad


Hands UP

                                                                                           
smile with your eyes closed, shoulders lifted and chin towards the sky


YOU make this choice

YOU make this happen

                                                                         the bad will be

                                                                         but the bad won't win

Strength

i can be strong when i want to be. 
in moments of weakness my ability should NEVER be questioned, just my desire. 
a victim of ability, i am not. 
prone to mis-placed desire, i am.

turns out i have  a LOT of drafts that i've never published.  not sure what i'm hiding from because noone reads the blog and i'm pretty sure if anyone were to read it, they'd have no clue who i am. 

published a few today.  they're out of order both in time and thought...

desperate

the feeling of desperation once it's over is instantanious. like running into a wall while walking in pitch black. no warning. i call bull shit on myself. there's plenty of warning. every time it's the same thing. the ability to overlook what the desperation is going to feel like afterwards is what's really amazing. "as a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly". proverbs 26:11. guess i'm a fool. i should have that tat'd on my body as a stark reminder.

the fool, i would think, is actually the one who doesn't listen to what the folly is trying to communicate to him. what is my folly communicating? i don't think i'm ready to go there. i'm not ready to write it down at least.

the folly's communicating but it's also destroying. how do i listen without the folly. go right up to the folly and think but STOP and listen. that's what i need to do. been saying that for about 25 yrs. wow. back to being a fool.

rush

soaring heights

deep valleys

communication lost

missed

misplaced

ignored

ignored

ignored.

is it pain masked or is that a buzz phrase of the times? is it a coping mechanism? how do i ensure i don't teach the same coping mechanisms to my children? when i do teach a bad habit, how do i help them break it?

i remember my father stopping the yelling when i was a senior in HS but, being the youngest, that was too late. at least for the time being. it did show me that it was possible. but the ensuing distance was not very helpful.

prayer

i don't think about it much anymore because it's not a scheduled activity that i feel compelled to do. in speaking with my father-in-law this weekend, i was reminded of how praying to God sounds quite odd to people outside of the religious community. i don't think i really ever understood it. i remember questioning a teacher who prayed, "Lord, if it be your will..." why he even bothered. If it's his will, it's going to happen. i asked my father-in-law that. his response that God uses us to complete his will. ...pause and think...

i can see how God puts me in a situation and i help and therefore carry out his plan (i understand i'm making that assumption that he has a pre-determined plan), but i still don't get the prayer issue. so God is waiting for me to ask him to do something and then he'll do it? i guess there are some parental parallels i can see there. i may choose not to help my child until they ask knowing that if the help isn't wanted, it may not be received. i also may delay help thinking the child needs to learn on his/her own. but i don't see prayer that way. maybe that's the problem. i think most prayer is a gimme, gimme type deal. i want, you can give, please do so quickly. in the parent-child example above, it's more of a, i'm done, please help rather than my daily list of wants. i wonder how God wants us to pray. i know the prayer in the bible "our father, who are in heaven, hallowed be thy name. thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. give us today our daily bread and forgive us our debts as we forgive out debtors. and lead us not into tempatation but deliver us from evil. for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. amen." i guess that does bring up the "will" issue again. why am i praying that his will be done. isn't this all his will? i guess a literalist would say that sin isn't his will, but that just seems ridiculous to me. i mean if he's omniscient, he has control over sin. if he's perfect, how can he have anything to do with sin. if he's the creator of all, then he created sin. that, or he's not all powerful and i don't say that to be disrepectful, maybe there are two warring factions over us - evil and good and maybe God is not in control of evil. maybe cain and able are still. good doesn't always win. God doesn't always win. at least not by what we see here on earth. but back to prayer. if i'm to have a relationship with someone, i should communicate with him/her. that doesn't really happen with God. that's part of the crazy sounding stuff. it's not really a communication issue. it's more of a therapist relationship. i purge, he listens. i beg, sometimes i may get. i'm not making any sense. i think my point is that religion seems to warp prayer...surprise, surprise! they warp most things. turn it into something that benefits religion and traps the little guy. prayer has turned into a right, a perceived power of the religious to benefit who they see fit. problem is it's not reliable. for all the talk about God answers prayer, there seems to be an awful lot of death, sickness and pain in the world. and maybe that's not God's problem. who sais the part of the bible that espouses God answering prayer is correct. if he's got the bigger picture in focus, he's going to do what's best for the whole. right? maybe i'm speaking to much from a human perspective, but that's all i've got. maybe we should all just take a step back and thank him for every day we have. funny...what then do i do with the bad? what about the days when something horrible, something un-justifiable happens? i can't thank him for that. why would you? is it even his fault? maybe i shouldn't look at him as the fixer of all. maybe he's not omnipotent. maybe he's a flawed inventor just like us. God, if you're real, i mean you no disrespect. just trying to figure this out. i think i need to go down that path for a while. why do i need, why does humanity need a perfect saviour? why does God have to be perfection? why can't he have flaws? why does he have to be able to read my mind?

sham

the ridiculousness of my life...

the moment trumps long term.  it shouldn't but it does most of the time.  it's affecting me and my family.  it's affecting my entire life and everyone i come into contact with, i would expect. 
it's quite obvious that all decisions should be made with thoughtfulness taking into account the short term gain and long term cost (and vice verse, to be accurate).  why is it, then, that most often, short term is all we look at. 
we know it, but often we shut our brains down to accomplish what we want short term.  i have moments of revelation AFTER always.  moments of revelation BEFORE are not quite as consistent. 
i want to live here...right now!  i want to enjoy everything about my life! i do!  the minutiae seem to get in the way...or does it?

parenting

completely at my wits end with my 14 year old daughter's attitude, it struck me that she's just giving back what i give to her. 
ceratinly nothing earth shattering, nothing most parents haven't already realized or read, but none-the-less, something that really struck me last night. 
i can't expect her to treat me any differently than i treat her.  after all, i've been the model of human interaction for her for 14 years.  if i'm honest, it hasn't all been that great. 
i have a short temper that i control in front of others, but let loose at home.  i'm brutally sarcastic which, at times, can be rather biting and hurtful. 
why, then, am i suprised when she does the same thing? how's that fair? 
i'm going to try to look at her "annoying habits" from now on as a reflection of my identical "annoying habits".  maybe, if i change the model, she'll follow suit...