fixation

the fixation isn't necessarily a problem. 

the why behind the fixation is probably more important. 

i think it's simply the need to feel important, which probably gets back to feeling loved...the need to be loved, that is. 

i can't be loved being someone i'm not, but that doesn't give me the right to be whatever i want to be at any given time. 

i used to think that the phrase, "i am who i am" was license to be whatever. 

now, it's a more complicated truth. 

"i am who i am", assumes you've figured out who "i am" is. 

and figuring that out can be complicated. 

it can also change. 

maybe that's not correct...the basics don't change, just the details. 

an honest assessment of yourself should be the start. 

why do i want people to like me?  why do i want to be noticed by people from my past?  i can't say that the goals are altruistic.  they're bourne out of personal insecurity.  the need to be loved is not wrong but using people to feel you're loved is. 

i left the church for many reasons, but forced community was nearing the top of the list.  unfortunately, in leaving the "forced" part of the community, i also left some of the natural or true community.  crappy of me, no?

so now i sit outside with a much smaller community.  i should be open to new community that comes into my life.  i should put myself out there to people who are naturally around me.  i, however, prefer to pick based on who will make me feel better about myself. 

here, i am not being true to self.  i am not being who i am.  i am a person who does not want false, superficial or forced relationships.  but when it comes to meeting new people, or running into old aquaintenacnes, i find myself wanting to pursue friendships with those who will make me feel better about myself.  you can't get more false or superficial than that!

lesson learned.  hopefully to now be applied.