slipping

i can feel myself slipping into what i'll call a funk. maybe it's depression, maybe it's not. i don't know and really don't care to know. i can only see through my own eyes, both physically and experientially, and with those two views don't see the chemical nature of depression. i'm not in any way saying that chemical imbalances don't occur in other people, i just don't believe them to occur in me. my funks are geared around bad decision making, poor time management, avoidance of potential conflict, fear of the unknown and the list goes on...i've been told in the past that these are a result of imbalances and would be easier to deal with if put on some regular type of medication. i've tried natural/herbal remedies in the past but didn't see much of a difference other than the regimen of taking them brought more awareness and structure to my life which inevitably helped me with my funk. so why is it so hard for me to follow the regimen, to build structure? laziness. i'm not a lazy person per se but do have lazy tendencies especially when it comes to things i don't want to do. my motivation is mostly driven by others peoples reactions. that's horrible. i should be motivated personally. i'm not. i'm learning as i get older that changes that are made because of others' reactions will inevitably not hold for any length of time. i wanted to quit smoking for years but failed over and over until i wanted to do it. i had to get to the point where the enjoyment was no longer worth the risk. i have a lot of areas in my life that i'm not there yet - where the enjoyment of whatever outweighs any of the negatives. i love food and eat more than i should. as my metabolism has slowed i'm now getting a gut. the enjoyment of the food, however outweighs the larger pant size. beer... umhh beer! ditto the last sentence. leisure time - enjoy it too much. should work harder and better balance my down time. i watch tv most nights as a form of relaxation, probably could find something better than tv. money. love to spend it. need to save it more. And the list goes on...

i guess the key is to be comfortable with the process of fixing or changing habits. my comfort level wanes at times and i believe that is when the funk/depression appears. what's a healthy comfort? i guess anything that's not just disguising justification of a bad habit. it's OK to be an imperfect human. it's OK to make mistakes. easy to say; hard to believe.

Self Control

"AS FAR GOES MY SELF CONTROL, AS FAR GOES MY FREEDOM"

- John T. as posted on "Losing My Religion" blog (http://societyvs.wordpress.com/)

memory has a lot to do with it as well...

People who forget the past repeat it.

How do we encourage ourselves to remember better? In the heat of the moment we, I, have this fabulous ability to block everything out! I can see no further than the inside of my eyes. Anyone and anything around me fades and all I'm aware of are the emotions I feel - fear, embarrassment, hurt, anger, greed, lust. I cease to be part of a community and retreat inward to the inner most portions on my being. I don't come out until after the repetition is complete. I then have my vision back but it's too late. The world comes alive again and I see the breakdown in community that I've created. It's all part of the process and needn't be cause for self loathing but must be cause for self reflection and growth. I just wish the self reflection and growth would come before the retreat. It does at times and will more in the future. That is where I glean hope. That is where I find freedom.