a continuation from yesterday on self worth

i guess i never really thought about the basic message of christianity.  i've often thought of the absurdity of teenage girl getting pregnant and claiming it the work of the holy spirit.  i just don't see how that would fly in any time period.  even way back when, in a more simpler time when mystery was certainly more widely accepted, it seems quite a stretch.  admittedly, i can't prove it didn't happen, i'm just amazed that so many people do believe this to be real. 

what struck me recently, though, was just how potentially damaging the message, not the details, of christianity may be.  when you grow up in something you just think of it as normal.  growing up in a conservative thread of christianity, being told that we were damaged goods due to adam's sin, was just par for the course.  i didn't see anything wrong with it. even as an adult, it certainly explained all the bad in the world.  even when i left christianity, i didn't leave the thought process of "marred by sin" through adam.  i left behind the belief that only jesus as he is understood through the bible and, more importantly, via the apostle paul, is the path to eternal life if there is, in fact life after death.  but i never questioned the idea of sin.  i am now questioning that.  to be certain, there are things that happen that are bad.  there are people who don't hold back there own desires when they trample on someone elses.  there are many people, myself included, that don't fully understand that living a selfless life will bring fullfillment.  i think jesus understood that and i wonder if the message that's being preached today by the main-stream church, was anything like the message he was preaching 2000 years ago.  forget about his divinity.  what about just the basics of his message. 

was his message really...

you suck because some dude thousands of years ago really messed up.  he messed up so bad that his creator, his dad, whose image he was created in, can't be near him.  he can't be near you either.  well, that's not completely true.  IF you follow this other dude that lived about 2000 years ago as he's interpretted by yet another dude who never even met him in person, then you can commune with your creator. 

sounds just as crazy as some buried tablets found in upstate ny.  but that's not the point here!  the point is the message.  the message is you suck.  yes, you reflect your creator somehow, but you still suck. 

the ultimate in conditional love - you suck because some dude thousands of years ago fucked up.  but wait...if you follow this dude that lived 2000 years ago, as interpreted by some other dude that never met him in person (only in a dream/vision) then you're worthy of being loved by your creator.  

how is this any better than finding tablets buried in upstate NY?

self worth

this morning, after skipping the gym for the start of my 5th week in a row, i got into the shower and the first "words" in my mind were, "You suck!"

a true indication of where i am but exactly where i should not be.  really, should anyone be there? 

i have 4 kids and am completely against the type of parenting that only gives children positive reinforcement even when they just hit their sibling over the head with a bat to get the ice cream they wanted.  but this morning did give me pause at the message that was communicated to me as a child and the message i'm communicating to my children. 

brought up in the church you're taught that you're a sinner and you can't do anything about it.  confess your sins, ask jesus to help keep you away from sins, build fences around your life to keep the sins away, etc.  while there were people around me who had the "you suck because you're human" attitude,  i don't think my parents, friends parents or my average teacher (with the exception of my hs bible teacher) ever specifically said "you suck".  it's much more subliminal than that.  we're told we're created in god's image, but that image was severely marred by sin.  and...there's nothing YOU can do about it.  best you can do is what i stated above. 

well that does suck.  i do make choices.  often they're selfish.  often i could have made a better choice.  but it's still my choice.  i'm not defined by adam's sin.  i'm defined by my choices.  if i am made in god's image, then i reflect a pretty amazing...(well that's hard to define)...and i don't think i need to believe adam is to be taken literally.  i'm not sure why god would create me selfish, but i generally put myself first.  HOWEVER, the good thing about choices is, you can choose differently next time.  maybe you won't, maybe you will.  bottom line is that you, that i have the ability to choose the kind, loving, healthy, non-selfish choice.  i often do.  if i can make that good choice, i am good.  i don't suck. 

i don't want that to be self-help psycho babel, but i don't want to define myself by the "bad" more than the "good".  i am not incapable of making the right choices. 

i would like to think that the fall really is just a human attempt at explaining why bad is in the world.  a story of a possibility rather than historic fact. 

blogger tells me, on average, 12 people read every post i write...your thoughts??

quotes

“Governments want efficient technicians, not human beings, because human beings become dangerous to governments – and to organized religions as well. That is why governments and religious organizations seek to control education.”
― Jiddu Krishnamurti, Education and the Significance of Life
"life is inherently tragic, and that is the truth that only faith, but not our seeming logic, can accept."
Richard Rohr - Falling Upward

"Faith is our response to loss, to the fact that, in time, we grow up and see through the self-perpetuating myths that seek to control us.  We see through this.  An yet we still pray!  Love is called for from us in spite of everything!  We cannot imagine a life where sacrifice and love do not exist hand in hand and become the foundation for everything we hold dear." 

"Is our longing for God more than an elaborate cover for our fear of death?  Why does the silence of God need to be covered up by a torrent of human words?  Is theology more than an excuse for God's bad behavior?  That we seek meaning is another way to say we fear death.  We call our desire for meaning the voice of God.  Maybe the desire for meaning is itslef an indication that there is a God, indeed, the voice of God in us.  Does a child call out for her mother in the night if she has never known her?  Perhaps our longing for meaning is the echo of God.  I hope so."

Frank Schaeffer

morning

beautiful.  

a deep breath fills my soul. 

i look up and close my eyes. 

the sun warms.

it's a new day and i am thankful. 

art vs. porn

art shows a human and celebrates his/her beauty.  it gives glory to the form and raises the human to a level approaching divine. 

porn takes the beauty and uses it for its own purposes.  it steals the humanity away from the person so nothing but object is left. 

fixation

the fixation isn't necessarily a problem. 

the why behind the fixation is probably more important. 

i think it's simply the need to feel important, which probably gets back to feeling loved...the need to be loved, that is. 

i can't be loved being someone i'm not, but that doesn't give me the right to be whatever i want to be at any given time. 

i used to think that the phrase, "i am who i am" was license to be whatever. 

now, it's a more complicated truth. 

"i am who i am", assumes you've figured out who "i am" is. 

and figuring that out can be complicated. 

it can also change. 

maybe that's not correct...the basics don't change, just the details. 

an honest assessment of yourself should be the start. 

why do i want people to like me?  why do i want to be noticed by people from my past?  i can't say that the goals are altruistic.  they're bourne out of personal insecurity.  the need to be loved is not wrong but using people to feel you're loved is. 

i left the church for many reasons, but forced community was nearing the top of the list.  unfortunately, in leaving the "forced" part of the community, i also left some of the natural or true community.  crappy of me, no?

so now i sit outside with a much smaller community.  i should be open to new community that comes into my life.  i should put myself out there to people who are naturally around me.  i, however, prefer to pick based on who will make me feel better about myself. 

here, i am not being true to self.  i am not being who i am.  i am a person who does not want false, superficial or forced relationships.  but when it comes to meeting new people, or running into old aquaintenacnes, i find myself wanting to pursue friendships with those who will make me feel better about myself.  you can't get more false or superficial than that!

lesson learned.  hopefully to now be applied.