some days reality is just too overwhelming to face.

nature

i can't help but think that everything i need to know about God is staring me right in the face - all of nature including this planet, what's on it, in it, under it, over it and outside of it. so let me list what i see...



-size - it's unfathomably large

-diverse - limitless from where i sit

-complicated - often hard to understand

-consistent - we get the four seasons every year and daylight everyday (depending on where you live)

-beautiful - definitions may vary but there is beauty in everything we see

-incredible power - look at a storm, look at hurricanes/floods/tornadoes etc.

-a bit of an edge, maybe even anger - see above

-evolution - yeah, i said it, EVOLUTION!!! you can argue the cause but you can't argue the effect. things are definitely different today than they were 2000 years ago.

-humility - i'm still working this one out, but there's something to be said about who/what created all this and restraint we see in nature

-balance

-equity

-necessity of interaction

running back

my mind's all a jumble this morning. self induced depression resulting from drinking too much last night. couldn't sleep and now i'm all a mess. i didn't get out of control drunk, i just didn't stick to my pre-determined limit and that's depressing. i shouldn't allow it to be depressing. it's all in perspective. i used to not control my drinking at all when in a social drinking situation. 2 years ago i decided enough was enough and limited myself to no more than 3 beers or 2 drinks at any given time. i was true to that for 2 years. i enjoyed it and last night i failed it. see how i make it a failure even though it was 2 years of success? 2 years of success!!! be happy dammit! be excited that you succeeded this long and just plug this into the memory bank of - you didn't cease to be human, nor do you have this drinking thing under control. i have to plan purposefully when i go out or i will forget. i think i was even more disappointed with myself because my wife had the forethought to remind me and i ignored her warning. another failure in my mind but... in my mind i judge my life's value thus far based far more on my failures than i do my achievements. i need to change that.

slipping

i can feel myself slipping into what i'll call a funk. maybe it's depression, maybe it's not. i don't know and really don't care to know. i can only see through my own eyes, both physically and experientially, and with those two views don't see the chemical nature of depression. i'm not in any way saying that chemical imbalances don't occur in other people, i just don't believe them to occur in me. my funks are geared around bad decision making, poor time management, avoidance of potential conflict, fear of the unknown and the list goes on...i've been told in the past that these are a result of imbalances and would be easier to deal with if put on some regular type of medication. i've tried natural/herbal remedies in the past but didn't see much of a difference other than the regimen of taking them brought more awareness and structure to my life which inevitably helped me with my funk. so why is it so hard for me to follow the regimen, to build structure? laziness. i'm not a lazy person per se but do have lazy tendencies especially when it comes to things i don't want to do. my motivation is mostly driven by others peoples reactions. that's horrible. i should be motivated personally. i'm not. i'm learning as i get older that changes that are made because of others' reactions will inevitably not hold for any length of time. i wanted to quit smoking for years but failed over and over until i wanted to do it. i had to get to the point where the enjoyment was no longer worth the risk. i have a lot of areas in my life that i'm not there yet - where the enjoyment of whatever outweighs any of the negatives. i love food and eat more than i should. as my metabolism has slowed i'm now getting a gut. the enjoyment of the food, however outweighs the larger pant size. beer... umhh beer! ditto the last sentence. leisure time - enjoy it too much. should work harder and better balance my down time. i watch tv most nights as a form of relaxation, probably could find something better than tv. money. love to spend it. need to save it more. And the list goes on...

i guess the key is to be comfortable with the process of fixing or changing habits. my comfort level wanes at times and i believe that is when the funk/depression appears. what's a healthy comfort? i guess anything that's not just disguising justification of a bad habit. it's OK to be an imperfect human. it's OK to make mistakes. easy to say; hard to believe.

Self Control

"AS FAR GOES MY SELF CONTROL, AS FAR GOES MY FREEDOM"

- John T. as posted on "Losing My Religion" blog (http://societyvs.wordpress.com/)

memory has a lot to do with it as well...

People who forget the past repeat it.

How do we encourage ourselves to remember better? In the heat of the moment we, I, have this fabulous ability to block everything out! I can see no further than the inside of my eyes. Anyone and anything around me fades and all I'm aware of are the emotions I feel - fear, embarrassment, hurt, anger, greed, lust. I cease to be part of a community and retreat inward to the inner most portions on my being. I don't come out until after the repetition is complete. I then have my vision back but it's too late. The world comes alive again and I see the breakdown in community that I've created. It's all part of the process and needn't be cause for self loathing but must be cause for self reflection and growth. I just wish the self reflection and growth would come before the retreat. It does at times and will more in the future. That is where I glean hope. That is where I find freedom.

Faith

Faith - something I've been trying to wrap my brain around for a while. Clearly and concisely stated on the link below...

Stupid Church People: Stuff In My Head (3)

Question about absolutes

Do we find details by looking at an absolute

or

Do we find the absolute by looking at the details?