without church

parenting

2012-01-22T16:53:00.000-05:00

completely at my wits end with my 14 year old daughter's attitude, it struck me that she's just giving back what i give to her.
ceratinly nothing earth shattering, nothing most parents haven't already realized or read, but none-the-less, something that really struck me last night.
i can't expect her to treat me any differently than i treat her. after all, i've been the model of human interaction for her for 14 years. if i'm honest, it hasn't all been that great.
i have a short temper that i control in front of others, but let loose at home. i'm brutally sarcastic which, at times, can be rather biting and hurtful.
why, then, am i suprised when she does the same thing? how's that fair?
i'm going to try to look at her "annoying habits" from now on as a reflection of my identical "annoying habits". maybe, if i change the model, she'll follow suit...

form over function

2011-05-14T17:52:00.000-04:00

reading a blog that a hog farmer from northern vt writes. he starts each post with a picture and the writes something about it. he and his family live VERY simply. it's something i very much admire. they are very much in function. they are so concerned with funtion they seem to have zero concern for form. their farm, at first glance, looks to be a series of shacks that have been abandoned for years. but reading his blog, you see that everything has a purpose. nothing is wasted. he lives in norther vt and uses 3/4 cord of wood a YEAR to heat his home.

while i don't fully rule out function, i think i could benefit for thinking about form a bit less...

An Imperfect God (yes, I meant to capitalize that)

2011-05-11T12:18:00.000-04:00

i've been mulling over the idea that God is not perfect. it's been brewing in the back of my mind for a while but i've never really delved into it either mentally (sorting it out in my head) or physically (researching the idea) until today. google really is an amazing tool. apparently i'm WAY behind the times because there's quite a bit out there about an imperfect God. Wow! i'm not totally insane. well, that's not exactly a logical argument, but minimally, if i am insane, there are a lot of other people out there with same type of insanity.

it explains a lot. good and evil, satan, etc. really. why does God have to be perfect? why can't God just be a higher level of being that created us? where did we get the idea of perfection. is it no more than the child who thinks his parents are perfect? is it "star-struck" syndrome?

unconditional love

2010-01-13T07:34:00.002-05:00

if i was created, then i was loved...

if i am sustained by that creator, then i am loved...

without church

2009-09-29T11:54:00.003-04:00

the title of this blog represents my journey away from the church and how that's affecting my life. i was naive in leaving thinking i would just be leaving behind a belief structure. i found that "church" was a much bigger part of my existence. social, community and coping mechanisms revolving around the church all are deeply engrained in how i do/did life. with the exception of a few years during and after college, church and the community that follows, was the foundation i built my life on. leaving it has been quite like attempting to move a large structure from its foundation. it can be done, but it's quite costly, time consuming and causes quite a bit of damage in the process.

shit

2009-07-17T18:42:00.002-04:00

shit

it's how i feel, it's what i'm experiencing, it's what i'm acting like, it's how i'm perceiving the actions of those around me.

truth and knowledge

2009-07-16T08:55:00.003-04:00

truth is an end

knowledge is a journey

drama

2009-05-19T10:45:00.003-04:00

real or perceived?

experienced or created?

alone

2009-03-18T09:47:00.004-04:00

being truly alone is almost an impossibility for most of us. we're so packed into pockets of this earth that being outside a close proximity to another person seldom happens. that being the case, why is it that we have the feeling of being alone?

homosexuality, truth and fear

2009-02-02T17:33:00.004-05:00

A response I posted at another blog...

I think the issue is so much greater than homosexuality. The religious right has shown themselves to be very uncomfortable with and often beligerent to any people group or ideology that doesn't fit their paradigm. Life is static, black and white. The truth has been revealed and found by them - done. Anything outside of this truth structure is a threat and therefore hard, if not impossible for them to deal with. If they allow the possibility that something in their truth structure is wrong, the whole thing falls apart because it's all based on absolutes. I would agree that there are absolutes, where I differ is my willingness to admit that God may not have revealed all absolutes or the complete nature of His absolutes to us. Beacause of that, I'm free to love and not judge people I don't agree with or don't understand. What a wonderful freedom that is! Getting past what church people are taught to do - be offended and therefore protective of their faith structure - was a big hurdle in my life and can only imagine that it is for many others. What pushed me over the edge was the realization that my offense and protection of the religious structure I was brought up in was really pride. My insecurity of what I was brought up to believe was brought to light when called into question and that's really all about me. It has NOTHING to do with God. When I see televangelists and religious right leaders charging against oh so many issues (including homosexuality) I'm struck by the fact that they can't see past their own fear. In my opinion, fear is what is motivating them. Fear of losing their comfy way of thought and life. Fear that their children will not accept their ways. Fear that they'll have to do some deep soul searching that can be painfully uncomfortable if you've never allowed yourself to do so. But, again, it's all about them. They try to twist it into love or minimally altruism but most outside the sect see it for what it is. I applaud any church that welcomes and encourages free thought and respectful disagreements. Yes, it can be messy, it's not the suburban perfectly manicured, conflict free bliss so many aim for, but it is how we learn if we afford ourselves the opportunity.

2009-01-26T08:43:00.002-05:00

some days reality is just too overwhelming to face.

nature

2009-01-13T11:15:00.003-05:00

i can't help but think that everything i need to know about God is staring me right in the face - all of nature including this planet, what's on it, in it, under it, over it and outside of it. so let me list what i see...

-size - it's unfathomably large

-diverse - limitless from where i sit

-complicated - often hard to understand

-consistent - we get the four seasons every year and daylight everyday (depending on where you live)

-beautiful - definitions may vary but there is beauty in everything we see

-incredible power - look at a storm, look at hurricanes/floods/tornadoes etc.

-a bit of an edge, maybe even anger - see above

-evolution - yeah, i said it, EVOLUTION!!! you can argue the cause but you can't argue the effect. things are definitely different today than they were 2000 years ago.

-humility - i'm still working this one out, but there's something to be said about who/what created all this and restraint we see in nature

-balance

-equity

-necessity of interaction

running back

2008-07-28T06:45:00.003-04:00

my mind's all a jumble this morning. self induced depression resulting from drinking too much last night. couldn't sleep and now i'm all a mess. i didn't get out of control drunk, i just didn't stick to my pre-determined limit and that's depressing. i shouldn't allow it to be depressing. it's all in perspective. i used to not control my drinking at all when in a social drinking situation. 2 years ago i decided enough was enough and limited myself to no more than 3 beers or 2 drinks at any given time. i was true to that for 2 years. i enjoyed it and last night i failed it. see how i make it a failure even though it was 2 years of success? 2 years of success!!! be happy dammit! be excited that you succeeded this long and just plug this into the memory bank of - you didn't cease to be human, nor do you have this drinking thing under control. i have to plan purposefully when i go out or i will forget. i think i was even more disappointed with myself because my wife had the forethought to remind me and i ignored her warning. another failure in my mind but... in my mind i judge my life's value thus far based far more on my failures than i do my achievements. i need to change that.

slipping

2008-06-10T08:17:00.010-04:00

i can feel myself slipping into what i'll call a funk. maybe it's depression, maybe it's not. i don't know and really don't care to know. i can only see through my own eyes, both physically and experientially, and with those two views don't see the chemical nature of depression. i'm not in any way saying that chemical imbalances don't occur in other people, i just don't believe them to occur in me. my funks are geared around bad decision making, poor time management, avoidance of potential conflict, fear of the unknown and the list goes on...i've been told in the past that these are a result of imbalances and would be easier to deal with if put on some regular type of medication. i've tried natural/herbal remedies in the past but didn't see much of a difference other than the regimen of taking them brought more awareness and structure to my life which inevitably helped me with my funk. so why is it so hard for me to follow the regimen, to build structure? laziness. i'm not a lazy person per se but do have lazy tendencies especially when it comes to things i don't want to do. my motivation is mostly driven by others peoples reactions. that's horrible. i should be motivated personally. i'm not. i'm learning as i get older that changes that are made because of others' reactions will inevitably not hold for any length of time. i wanted to quit smoking for years but failed over and over until i wanted to do it. i had to get to the point where the enjoyment was no longer worth the risk. i have a lot of areas in my life that i'm not there yet - where the enjoyment of whatever outweighs any of the negatives. i love food and eat more than i should. as my metabolism has slowed i'm now getting a gut. the enjoyment of the food, however outweighs the larger pant size. beer... umhh beer! ditto the last sentence. leisure time - enjoy it too much. should work harder and better balance my down time. i watch tv most nights as a form of relaxation, probably could find something better than tv. money. love to spend it. need to save it more. And the list goes on...

i guess the key is to be comfortable with the process of fixing or changing habits. my comfort level wanes at times and i believe that is when the funk/depression appears. what's a healthy comfort? i guess anything that's not just disguising justification of a bad habit. it's OK to be an imperfect human. it's OK to make mistakes. easy to say; hard to believe.

Self Control

2008-06-09T08:55:00.004-04:00

"AS FAR GOES MY SELF CONTROL, AS FAR GOES MY FREEDOM"

- John T. as posted on "Losing My Religion" blog (http://societyvs.wordpress.com/)

memory has a lot to do with it as well...

People who forget the past repeat it.

How do we encourage ourselves to remember better? In the heat of the moment we, I, have this fabulous ability to block everything out! I can see no further than the inside of my eyes. Anyone and anything around me fades and all I'm aware of are the emotions I feel - fear, embarrassment, hurt, anger, greed, lust. I cease to be part of a community and retreat inward to the inner most portions on my being. I don't come out until after the repetition is complete. I then have my vision back but it's too late. The world comes alive again and I see the breakdown in community that I've created. It's all part of the process and needn't be cause for self loathing but must be cause for self reflection and growth. I just wish the self reflection and growth would come before the retreat. It does at times and will more in the future. That is where I glean hope. That is where I find freedom.

Faith

2008-05-22T09:23:00.001-04:00

Faith - something I've been trying to wrap my brain around for a while. Clearly and concisely stated on the link below...

Stupid Church People: Stuff In My Head (3)

Question about absolutes

2008-05-19T09:53:00.003-04:00

Do we find details by looking at an absolute

or

Do we find the absolute by looking at the details?

Random Thoughts - Contentment

2008-05-19T08:59:00.006-04:00

Dictionary.com defines it as:

"Desiring no more than what one has; satisfied."

How many people are actually content? What a gift it would be to be completely satisfied. How ensared I am thinking more of a pleasure will make me satisfied.

what is given is good
enough

guard your desire for more
it consumes
it takes
it robs
it blinds you from seeing that

what is given is good
enough

Random Thoughts - motorcycle

2008-05-15T07:27:00.003-04:00

if i spend the $20k on the motorcycle i'm looking at i'll feel good.

i'll smile. i'll get on and enjoy the ride. the wind

people will look. they'll smile too

my kids will be excited. they'll beg me to ride and look forward to the day they're big enough, old enough for the chance.

i'll keep it immaculately clean. park it in my garage...

right next to my first bike that i had trouble finding time to ride.

right next to my first bike that used to make me smile, that used to make me feel good.

frustration w/ fissures

2008-05-02T09:55:00.004-04:00

below is an older post that i forgot to post...

Ughhh. Just spent the past hour reading about....Politics....

I think what's most frustrating to me is the anger. So much anger. The candidates are angry with the current administration and with each other's claims. The republicans are angry with the democrats. The Obama supporters are angry with the Clinton supporters. The bloggers are angry with the print/visual press. Readers are angry with the bloggers writings...so on and so on.

People consider me angry yet the anger is bothering me. Hmmm. There's something in that...

I once was told that anger is a secondary emotion; a response to another emotion. I've found that to be true in my life. If one of my kids acts up in a public place I may react in anger but what I'm really feeling is embarrassment. If someone cuts me off driving I may react in anger but I'm really hurt that they didn't put my needs/desires ahead of theirs. It may be simplistic, but I think the anger in politics stems from an embarrassment of losing.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right. What I see is a bunch of adults that are more concerned about winning than helping. I'm afraid it's the American way. Maybe it's more fair to say, it's what America has become. That saddens me and encourages me at the same time. It saddens me because, well, it's just sad that we adults can't act in a more mature manner. It encourages me in that maturity is something that comes with time; it can be learned. At our core we're all a bunch of selfish children trying to get what's best for us. It's maturity that allows us to see the short-sightedness of that. Maturity gives us the ability to look long term, to look past ourselves to see what will really give us the greatest sense of satisfaction.

The anger is all around us. It's in our personal relationships, our families, our jobs, our churches, our communities. I guess we just all need to grow up. I read something recently, can't remember who it was who said it but they were resting the knowledge that we don't know. Think about it. As uncomfortable as it is for me, uptight and anal, I CAN rest in the fact that I don't know something. That's not an excuse for laziness or complacency. It's rest. I don't have to know everything. I will never know everything. It's crazy to think that I ever would. God gave me (and most of the population) an incredible mind that's capable of more than I will ever know, but I'm not God. While the pursuit of knowledge is good, the obsession of it can't be. The obsession to gain knowledge can't be. I had to say that twice to make sure it stuck.

Missionaries and Nice People

2008-04-07T10:04:00.005-04:00

I helped a friend move this weekend. I didn't think much of it. I've known him for about 18 years now and even though he lives about 5 hours away, he didn't have much help and I was available. End of thought process.

My oldest daughter requested prayer for my safe return while at church. I'm not sure exactly what happened next (getting detailed information from a 10 year old can be a challenge!), it was made clear to my daughter's Sunday School teacher that my friend was not a "Christian" (I'm assuming that some questions from the teacher brought that tid-bit to light as it's a non-issue in my house). The teacher tells my daughter that her father is "like a missionary". I was put off with that at first. Visions of 50 year old bible thumping white men making bush men & women clothes themselves "in a more befitting manner" were running through my mind. After pondering it for a while though, I was struck by just how accurate my daughter's Sunday School teacher was. I'm not sure she meant to be but if I'm a follower of Christ, I should do what it was he did. He did speak, but more than that; he did. He got in the trenches with the people that needed help. He fed, he washed, he healed, he loved. I hope I'm not over simplifying his message, but that, to me, seems to be the overwhelming theme. Yes, he also told us to "go and make disciples". I struggle with that. I love my "non-Christian" friends. I do things for them, just as I do things for the friends that are Christian. I don't ask for anything in return. I'm not perfect and I'm well aware that my motivations can be less than altruistic even on a good day. BUT, the fact that the church puts such an emphasis on "recruitment" kinda cheapens it for me. If you do it because you're told to, it can still be a good thing. But it's better if you do it because you truly want to or minimally, because you know it needs to get done. Isn't that a better witness than a missionary that goes to a struggling third world country and lives in a gated home with servants? I understand safety issues, I understand that that same missionary may be bolstering the local economy by hiring "staff", but there's something about that that just rubs me the wrong way. On a human level you can relate to anyone. On a practical level, if you're living in luxury while the people you're there to help are in squalor, can they relate to you? Are they looking at God as a way to wealth? A free ride out of the ghetto?

What stands out to me are people who are genuinely nice. I like to think that people who encountered Jesus looked at him as more than a ticket to Heaven and more as a genuinely nice person. That's what drew people to him.

I have a customer that I visited this morning (I'm in sales). Nice couple that I met a few months back. One of those people that you just connect with on more than a professional level. On my first visit I noticed a door closer he had, original to his building, that was both interesting in how it operated but also beautiful to me as a piece of art. As I do often, I complimented him on the piece. So I go back this morning about 6 months later and as I'm leaving he hands me a box. The closer is inside. I didn't even have to look in the box. I knew what it was. I normally argue with people who try to give me gifts or tips. I'm not comfortable taking them in general and don't think it appropriate for a sales person to take something from a paying customer, but I don't think he was just giving me a gift or a tip. He was extending himself to me. The act of stretching out his hands to give the box to me was so symbolic of what he was doing. He took an object of his that he knew would give me joy, and gave it up. It didn't matter to him the value, the object wasn't important at all; the effect it had was all that mattered. It was genuine. What a statement about him. That sticks in my mind. I'll remember that more than I'll remember someone standing up in front of a few hundred people and giving a sermon. That is a witness to me. That makes me want to get to know him more; to understand why he did that.

If we do what Christ did, we jump right into the trenches to help and love people. Helping and loving people doesn't mean you have to "witness" to them. I hope the teacher didn't have that in mind, and it doesn't really matter because my daughter understands that serving is most often more powerful than speaking.

Necessity

2008-04-03T10:42:00.001-04:00

Is church, as we know it in 21st Century America, necessary? Is it what God intended? Is it the same or even similar to what we see in the New Testament? If not, what should it be?

I'm not a member or attender of a Church but was raised in it (Orthodox Presbyterian). Most things Church get me pretty angry. What I see on TV and what I experienced when I did go and growing up was, to me, disingenuous.

That's pretty harsh and I realize that it's a gross generalization. I've been actively involved in Churches for most of my life up to about 6 months ago when I got frustrated enough to leave. On the surface, they can do a lot of good. But as "deep" as they try to be, I don't think most ever get beneath the surface of their constituents, nor do they want to. It's uncomfortable. It's tough and it leads to disappointments that make most uncomfortable with what they claim God through Jesus is willing and able to do. They bring you in (some to the point they could make millions as recruiters - but wait; they do!)and woo you. They make you feel good about yourself and then put you to work bringing in other people. It's now your job to woo. If you don't woo, there must be a problem. Do you have a problem? Give it to Jesus, he'll help you through it. Wait, Jesus hasn't taken it away yet? You haven't shown any signs of progression or growth? Really? Well, then there must be a problem with you! Maybe there's a problem with your salvation! Maybe you were never saved! You just thought you were but since we no longer see any evidence of your salvation, you must not be. Oh, and the position of authority that you're in, that lead roll you play in anything church, well, you can't do it anymore. What would the general congregation think if someone in a leadership roll...

I think I've made my point. And, so you don't think of me as an embittered person who just experienced the above, I haven't. I've never been asked to leave a Church. I've never been put under Church discipline formal or informal. I have, however, witnessed the nuances of what I outlined in the extreme above, time and time again; to the point where I no longer wanted to be a part of an organization that perpetrates and perpetuates them. To me, that is what the Church does.

So, please, respond with your thoughts. Don't rip me apart as my intention was not to rip the body of the Church apart. If you're a Church goer, I don't look down on you, just question the organization you're a part of. I'm sure there are many Churches that don't do what I described above. The five Churches I've been a part of, however, have all done it in some way shape or form. My goal is not to tear down the body, rather, figure out what that body SHOULD look like. I don't think I have the answers, I just question if the Church as we know it does...